The First Dozen

Yo, yo, yo....here we go!

So last night we were treated to (or exposed to like radiation) the first dozen semi-finalists. Prepare yourself to endure this three more times.

Now despite Randy's claim that this year there is "more talent than we've ever had" (uh....doesn't he say that every year?) last night's show didn't quite back up his claim. Some of the performances were downright abominable, in fact. But we'll get to that later.

Let's start with Jackie from New York. Wackie Jackie. Where to begin, where to begin? OK. The outfit. Big sneakers, black spandax pants, a giant red belt, and a polka-dotted black & white top. It might be the worst outfit I've seen on the show EVER. "A Little Less Conversation" didn't help her much and she came off like kind of a dork. My remarks got me the label of being "just a big Simon" in my house (according to my 11 year old). That's OK, he typically gets it right (as do I!)Is there a resemblance between Jackie and say, a young Linda Lavin (from the TV show "Alice")? ..........wow, I'm aging myself! (Well kiss my grits!) Though, poor wackie Jackie....you can see where she gets her fashion sense from. Check out her beret-wearing Dad and shiny-jacket wearing mom. Sheesh. Yet, this is only one parental fashion faux pas among many to come! Prediction: Jackie doesn't make it this round. She was first (forgettable) and not that great.

Numero Dos was Ricky Braddy, a person who was kept from us during the previous TV coverage. Not sure why they did this, since it isn't like revealing him at this point is some sort of wonderful, unexpected gift. Bad hair, needs a shave, doesn't know how to use the microphone, no star quality (per Me and Simon). Ricky did "A Song for You" which no one on earth will ever do as beautifully as Michael Buble -- I command you to download it now!! So, Ricky didn't stand a chance with me on doing the song justice. I will say he had a nice high note (cue audience = clap, clap) but I think he's the type of guy that knows he has some skills, so he's going to "over the top" every song. You know, he'll stick in runs whenever possible, even if it isn't necessary. The "Braddy Bunch" parents (oh isn't that clever?) got themselves all dressed up for their big TV appearance (NOT). What is with these people. I'd be like, "Mom, Dad! You're not going to the neighborhood block party. Put some effort into it." Prediction: Ricky's not going to make it this round and the Braddy Bunch will have to head back to their inappropraitely sized 3 bedroom home (2 bedrooms and a shared bathroom for 6 kids -- that Mike Brady was some architecht!)

Alexis Grace graced the stage (me use clever play on words!) singing "Never Loved A Man" by Aretha Franklin (minus the giant bow-hat). Randy went all crazy and sh*t. Paula and Kara went on about how cute and petit and young she is and that they can't believe she sounds like that. Why don't they just come out and state the obvious? She's as white as vanilla soft-serve icecream and she's pulling off the tunes of a big, black woman? She was good, but I think they were a little over the top with her. Hey, who out there was confused when Ryan introduced her Dad and they panned to Ted Danson and Neil Patrick Harris? Prediction: She'll get the top girl vote.

The one-dimpled Brent Keith was up next (my son has one dimple as well. I wonder what that's all about? His Dad has two, I have none. Maybe the offspring end up with one? I don't know anything about the science behind dimples). Ok, looking it up...looking it up: Wow! Who knew? Dimples are actually a birth defect! The most common cause is a shortened muscle. Dimples are also a dominant trait...so if neither of your parents have dimples, you're not likely to have them unless you have a spontaneous mutation. So that's your science lesson for the day! See how educational my blog is?! While dimples can be rather endearing, I do have to tell you that they inevitably lead to a wrinkle. Sorry my fine-dimpled friends. Ok, so enough about Brent's lone dimple. First when they tried to introduce Brent they ran into a "tape" problem (the fact that Ryan called it "the tape" made me feel not so old). Brent is cute, but I didn't care for his performance. He even seemed to talk through some of it. Hick Town probably wasn't the best song for him to pick. Paula said he could be like other American Idol country stars "look what Bucky Covington has done." To which Simon said, "What has he done?" Let us not forget that Simon knows absolutely NOTHING about country music. Bucky Covington rules in my opinion! One of the better Idol contestants. Love you Bucky!! (We share the same birthday too). Anyway, Brent doesn't have a chance of making it at this point, probably not later either. He looked like he was crying after his criticism, but maybe he was just looking at his wife's hicktown hairdo from the mid-80s.

Stevie Wright....OMG......she just flat out drowned right before my eyes on that stage. It was like watching a bad act in a middle school talent show. Poor Stevie. Why did Wackie Jackie grab screen time by saying, "I love you" to Stevie's mom? That was weird. Whatever it takes I guess. Stevie's mom had a big, shiny, hideous scarf on....and that's all I gotta say about that. Prediction: no prediction necessary here.

ANOOP! I have to wonder if Randy is going to say, "Anoop dog is in the haaawse" every week? I'm thinking, yeah. Anoop's hair has gotten better since his first audition. Next we'll work on the eyebrows...'kay? I just love Anoop. Not crazy about his song choice, but he still SANG it, am I right? While watching him I came up with a brilliant idea! A boy band made up of only Indian-American teenagers. Cool idea, huh?! OK, don't steal it. PREDICTION: I think Anoop will probably win for the 3rd highest vote. Congratulations also on having the first set of parents to dress with some tact. C'mon native borns....let's get our act together!

Casey Carlson is just the super cutest chickadee I ever did see....but as soon as they announced she was going to do "Everyt Little Thing She Does is Magic" I announced that it would RUIN HER!! I've got witnesses to prove it. First off, just leave this song to Sting. It isn't meant to be covered. It's a unique song and you just can't pull it off. Secondly....she was just horrible all on her own. Didn't move to the song.....should've been jumping all over the stage. She was completely cornball with her cute little winks and weird faces. It was just a disaster. Not sure who was worse, her or Stevie. If she goes through it is only based on looks. Terrible, terrible, terrible. Her mom's leggings and polka-dotted shirt weren't any better either. (Are polka dots back and no one told me?) Prediction: Doesn't make it this time.

Michael Sarver did "I Don't Wanna Be" -- didn't hit the high note in the song. Truth be told I have the nerve to like my guys skinny --- a singer, even skinnier than skinny. So big man Michael is just not for me. Though I'd like to have a beer with him. He was just OK for me, dawg. Prediction: Not going through yet.

I thought Ann Marie picked a good song, until I heard her sing it. I thought "Natural Woman" really suited her, because she does seem like a natural woman. I think she got better half way through, but the beginning was atrocious. When it was suggested that she sing something like "Love Song" by Sarah Bareilles she said, "You mean I should sing something that's not as good?" Woe. SB is not going to be happy 'bout that...eh? I actually think that is a really good song so I don't know why she be hatin' on it. Bad move, newbie. So, after her critique Ann Marie heads back to the group room and sits down on the couch making a weird noise and apparently hurting herself. She said, "Ouch I just sat on the hard part" and Ryan goes all Beavis and Butthead about the comment and can't continue because she said 'hard part.' Grow up, Seacrest. Prediction: Not going through yet.

Stephen Fowler just can't get it right. He takes a fast-paced "Rock With You" and sings it slowly and without much energy. Basically, he bombed. I like the guy, but he's got to figure out what he's doing. Very disappointing. Prediction: Not through this round.

A demure Tatiana del Toro (Tatiana of the Bull?) did "Saving All My Love" which came off OK surprisingly. It is still a shock that this girl can actually sing. Her personality and voice are in such contrast that I'm left speechless. Simon said she is "desperate to be famous." The judges even seemed annoyed that she didn't put on her crazy act. After all, that's the only reason they put her through (RATINGS, PEOPLE). Prediction: No go for tonight.

Danny Gokey did "Hero" (I hope he doesn't only do inspirational songs the whole competition. Give me some dirt, Gokey). It wasn't what I wanted to hear from him, but he did well. Did I think he was BLAZING HOT (Randy) or going to play to SOLD OUT ARENAS (Paula)......no. He's definitely a favorite but they were way over the top. I guess by the end they were really starving for something outstanding. Being the 'Big Simon' that I am, I have to say he was good but I'm not jumping up and down like the three idiots who take up space at the table. Prediction: He'll go through as the top guy.

Alexis, Danny, Anoop. There's your 3 finalists.

Leave me your comments/opinions. Post it here or email me. Let's get this party started.