Hello Frisco! Goodbye Loserville!

This week's auditions brought us to San Francisco and Louisville...insert multiple scenes of that red bridge and race horses.

In Frisco we started with Tatiana, who thought she was wonderful (and claims to be Puerto Rican) and was pretty much over-the-top crazy. Turns out Crazy can sing. She's going to Hollywood, where all will certainly hate her.

There was a very white, excessivley pasty guy with red hair who I thought I might actually catch some disease from just by watching him on TV. Scary.

Someone chose to sing "We Built This City" by Jefferson Starship...a song that no one should EVER, EVER, EVER sing, including Jefferson Starship. What in the hell where they thinking when they wrote that?

Enter the failed entrepreneur with the wild jacket and a smile as wide as Randy's behind. Simon said he had fake hair color. He was pretty spastic and didn't make it. Nice guy though.

Now you know the show has really gotten big when Jesus comes to audition. That's right, Jesus, right there in front of Randy, Paula, Simon, and (do I have to say it?) Kara. Well how can you not put Jesus through to Hollywood? Everyone be lovin' Jesus! We'll have to see if Jesus can make the final cut though, down the road. Without his loyal followers, especially the children, and their signs of "We Love You Jesus!" I think he will not make it to the next round.

Some guy who could do the Rubik's Cube sang "Baby Baby" and I had no idea what song he was singing.

Now, here's someone with a talent. I think her name was Aquila Eshew Goldstein? Though she couldn't pronounce anything right, so it only fits that I can't get her name right. She was the one who studied the biological tems for the throat. She could sing acapellaly and knew all about the trayshea. When she tried to sing in front of the judges, her voice, unfortunately, came from the wrong rectum (Randy: "what!?") and the judges said no to Aquila for Hollywood. This really irractitated her. Thank you Aquila for giving the world so many new words! I look forward to purchasing Aquila's New World Dictionary sometime in the future.

A young, cute-ish guy named Adam Lambert came in and sang very high and dramatically. I think he was the Broadway kid. I'm looking at notes right now and having trouble remembering him. Noted: "needs makeup." In my world that usually means that he would look a lot hotter with some eyeliner.

Kai? I think that was his name? Was the good-looking, dark-skinned man who was taking care of his very white-skinned, white-haired mom. He did "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." I thought he was OK. Probably won't make it beyond Hollywood.

OK, now let's get this bitch Louisville done.....where's my notes, where's my notes...ah...there we go....

Tall blonde Tiffany starts off the show, complete with creepy mom and dad. I always wonder why people keep singing when Randy starts laughing, quite audibly, through their performances? She said she would sing another song but Kara said, "No honey. It's not about that."

Joanna who cut out on her own to become a music star said she "grew up a lot" "saw how artists struggle" and "lost a lot of confidence in the last year" --- that sounds an awful lot like too many rounds on the record company exec's casting couch to me. But good ol' Paula gave her a shot of confidence with, "I think you're worthy." (Worthy to stand before the wonder that is Paula Abdul?)

Mark Mudd. Well, what can one say? This is what the rest of the country expects to find when they go to Kentucky. Mr. Mudd almost died five times, had multiple car accidents, and is the ancestor of the Dr. Mudd who fixed John Wilkes Booth's leg after he shot Lincoln and jumped from the theatre balcony. He is the reason, he says, the term "Your name is Mud" came about. Well tickle my fanny and send me to Ohio, that's really some story. Unfortunately, this was "not the right competition" for him, according to Paula, to which Simon said, "What is the right competition? Wheel of Fortune?" An "Oh no he di-in't" could then be clearly heard outside the living room window of Pat Sajack's mansion. So, Muck (as Simon referred to him) did not go through, but having been through so many near-death-experiences himself he told the judges to "be careful." What a sweet guy.

Brent did "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" and he was REALLY good. Though Simon called him "buskerish"---- Hey Aquila!! Is that in our dictionary, baby!?? Oh, no, here it is...it is based on a real term...never mind. BUSKING: the practice of performing in public places for tips and gratuities. Well slap my butt and call me Shirley (no, don't call me Shirely), he used it properly.

OK, stop slapping my rear end now.

Two things I realized about the new judge, (should we keep calling her "the new judge" or call her Kara?), I don't like her gray eyeshadow that she wears every day. It's a tad whoreish looking. #2 She has the exact same lisp as Sarah Jessica Parker.

During Brent's performance the two female judges went under the table and then Kara said, "Ready, let's both go down." Where was Ryan when you need someone to reprimand those four and tell them it's a family show?

A few clips of bad performers were shown...like the Zebra guy and the loveable Fat Patrick who did the Billie Jean song and dance. Really enjoyed him.

They let a guy named Matt in who did Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be" He was just OK, won't make it that far.

Ross, the academic guy came in and I found it very funny that Paula suddenly put on her glasses for the only part in the show. Inside Paula's head: He's smart. I'll look smart. No, I'll look smarter! Yeah, because he's not wearing glasses is he? No, he's not. He sipped through her straw and she was then afraid she'd catch some of the smart, so she had them get her another cup.

Did anyone notice on Day 2 of Louisville that Paula walked in wearing her lingerie? What was that about?

Aaron woke everyone up screaming and stomping "Have you Ever Seen the Rain" --- Ryan ran in to protect Simon because he thought something bad was happening.

Kara pointed out that Rebecca, who couldn't sing, was voted "most humorous" in high school and that this must be a joke. Then Rebecca cried. Then Kara pretended to feel bad because she was mean.

I didn't feel like they showed us enough good performers. I made a note of the name Ryan Johnson from Ohio because they showed him for a second and he was really fantastic. So mark my words on him.

The show ended with Lenisha, who grew up homeless. She wrote her own song and whenever someone sings a song they wrote themselves it goes horribly wrong, but she was the exception. She passed the audition with flying colors. You'll be seeing more of her.

Well, sadly, there are still more auditions next week. Hang in there, we'll get through it together.

Don't forget to vote in the new poll below and also read Simon's classic quote at the bottom!

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